


I'm Not a Bad Person

by hannigramcracker, TimmyJaybird



Series: Triangulum [4]
Category: Adam (2009), Hannibal (TV), Jagten | The Hunt (2012)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Multi, just lots of angst and anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-17 14:29:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2312906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannigramcracker/pseuds/hannigramcracker, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimmyJaybird/pseuds/TimmyJaybird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A simple trip to the grocery store is enough to give Lucas flashbacks to his assault back in Denmark, and his breakdown forces him to finally confide in Will what happened back home- and what he was accused of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not a Bad Person

**Author's Note:**

> This literally took us all summer because I kept forgetting to add to it. But we both really felt it was time for some more Wilucadam. And considering it's our verse, it seemed fitting to finally write one together.

Lucas sat in the living room, idly scratching Fanny behind her ears. He had the remote in his hand, flipping through the channels on the tv, not really paying attention to what was on. He didn’t care that much, anyway. He was more focused on the other dogs around him. He was alone in his new home; alone aside from eight furry bodies that surrounded his feet on the floor. He had spent the afternoon painstakingly trying to make sure each and every need of theirs was met.

He stuck to the schedule Will had left him before he and Adam left for work. He had fed all of the dogs on time, taken them out, played with them, and even let them take _him_ on a run. He was exhausted now, to say the least, but he wanted to make sure the animals were happy for Will. It was clear how much Will cared about his little pack of dogs, and he wanted nothing more than Will to be pleased with how he handled them. He was terrified Will would come home and find there was something he had not done for them, but Lucas had even taken the time to brush out each one’s coat - even Fanny’s. He could not recall spending this much time catering to any child at the kindergarten he used to work for, or even for Marcus himself.

He and Adam’s relationship with Will was still very new, and Lucas wanted to impress Will in any way he could. The least he could do was pull his weight around the house until he could land a job, and if that meant tending to the small herd of animals that took up residence on their bedroom floor at night, then so be it.

If he was being honest, he felt a little like one of those dogs right now - looking back and forth at one another, still a bit unsure about the present company, keeping one ear out for a car coming up the driveway, hoping for the praise of either man that would walk through the door.

Lucas flipped through the stations for a while longer, continuing to pet Fanny, and another dog he was pretty sure was named Buster who had settled between his legs. Winston was sitting happily on his socked feet, licking his paws and huffing a breath through his nose every few minutes. Suddenly, he was standing and the rest of the dogs followed, even Fanny. His ears perked up and he was by the door, tail wagging, before Lucas even heard any sounds of a car coming up the road. But sure enough, Will’s car came trundling down the driveway. Lucas smiled as he heard Will switch the engine off. He set down the remote and acted like he had been absorbed in the documentary he had stopped on.

Will opened the door and was immediately accosted by wet noses and rough tongues on the palms of his hands. “Hello, hello guys. Hi.” Will spoke affectionately and Lucas felt his heart swell. Will rubbed Winston on his neck before setting his bag down and toeing his shoes off, walking effortlessly through the pack and not even almost tripping. Lucas was envious. He could count on all of his fingers and most of his toes how many times he had almost fallen with those dogs underfoot today.

Will shrugged off his coat, and threw it over the chair of his desk as he walked toward the couch. He kissed Lucas on the forehead before sitting down next to him and putting his feet up on the coffee table. “And hi to you, as well.”

“Hello, Will. How was your day?” Lucas felt himself blushing slightly. He still found himself floundering a bit from time to time. He wasn’t sure how to react in a normal relationship, let alone this kind of complex one. And Will was always much too good to him. But, then again, he didn’t know…

Lucas pushed that thought away aggressively and listened to Will answer his question as a small white dog with an underbite hopped up into his lap. “ _Long_. I am exhausted. I had three full classes, and Jack breathing down my neck to help on another case, no matter how many times I’ve told him that I am not interested in doing that again.”

Lucas hummed in sympathy. “I’m sorry your day was so long, min skat. At least it’s done now. Shall we start making dinner so it is ready for when Adam gets dropped off from work?”

Will covered his face with his hands at that. “Shit.”

“What is it?” Lucas was mildly alarmed. For a moment he thought he had done something wrong with the dogs, forgotten something, lost one… He started to a quick count before Will answered.

“I was supposed to stop at the store before I came home, but I completely forgot. There’s nothing in the house for dinner. I think we’re completely out of bread and milk, too.”

“Ah. Maybe we could order out tonight?”

“We just did last night.” Will said, leaning his head back against the couch. “We have to go to the store.”

“Oh,” Lucas watched Will pinch the bridge of his nose. He turned off the television in preparation for the inevitable. He did not exactly want to go to the store. He hadn’t been with anyone but Adam since, well, since… “M-maybe one of us should stay home, in case Adam gets here and we are not back.”

Will groaned dramatically, sinking further into the couch. “You go. I don’t ever want to move again. I’m so _tired_.” He hid his face in the crook of his elbow so he did not see the clear urgency in Lucas’s eyes as he looked at him. He worried his lip for a moment before attempting to respond.

“Do you want me to…?”

Will peeked out from beneath his elbow and nodded a bit. “Yeah. I mean, if it’s not too much trouble, could you? I’m dead on my feet.”

“O-okay. Of course. I can go for us.” Lucas said, even as his blood ran cold, as ice formed in the pit of his stomach and sweat prickled in the back of his neck. He had not been to the grocery store _alone_ in months. It was only recently that he had started to go with Adam instead of just sending him with a list, if he was being honest.

“Thanks, Lucas. You’re a lifesaver.” The words fell on deaf ears as Lucas stood, putting his shoes on, his breath short and catching. His chest hurt, and his hands were trembling. He couldn’t feel his knees.

“Where are your keys?” Lucas asked, his voice surprisingly strong for the waves of terror he was experiencing just beneath his skin. He was sure if Will looked hard enough he would see, but the other man had picked up the remote control and was involved with the dogs in front of him as well.

“They should be in the front pocket of my bag.”

“Tak.” Lucas found the keys and stuffed them in his coat pocket so they wouldn’t jingle in his shaking hands. He should say something. He should tell Will that no, he can’t go. That he was sorry, but he just could not go by himself. Not like this. But, that would involve explaining so much to Will that he was not ready to explain.

Shaking his head to himself he quickly let himself out the front door before he could change his mind. This was the lesser of two evils, he decided as he fumbled with getting the keys into the ignition. He backed out of the driveway without really thinking about it. He distantly thought that he should probably not be driving in this state.

The twenty minute drive to the nearest store felt like hours to Lucas who fought to keep his focus on the road and his mind clear from the buzzing thoughts that were threatening to land and sting. Lucas was aware of how hard he was breathing when he finally turned the car off in the parking lot. His chest heaved and his throat worked against air he was not getting. His hands tightened on the steering wheel so hard the plastic creaked.

He closed his eyes and saw red. Smelled blood. Felt blows raining down on him from every direction for no reason. All he needed was some food. He felt so hungry. They were kicking his ribs in, smashing him down on his knees. He saw stars and it hurt so much to breathe. Everything hurt too much. He just needed his groceries. He couldn’t let Will down. He couldn’t let Adam go hungry. But a fist to his nose had other ideas.

He leaned forward, jaw clenched, and whined. He felt a cool, calming hand on his back. A small one with a gentle and soothing touch. Lucas opened his eyes and saw Adam sitting in the passenger seat, rubbing up and down his back. Lucas breathed through his nose, a mercifully full breath.

“You can do this, Lucas. I’m with you, even if I’m not actually there.”

Lucas had no idea how delusional he had to be to be imagining Adam in the front seat of this completely empty car, but he could not complain. It was making him be able to breathe normally enough to attempt to go inside. Resolutely, he unbuckled and threw open the passenger door.

No one inside knew him. No one around here knew him at all. No one would have any reason to attack him or hurt him. No one.

Lucas repeated these words to himself endlessly as he walked across the parking lot.

*

Adam waved to his coworker from the front porch of Will’s house as they drove away. He walked inside, saying hello to each dog individually before accepting the hug Will offered to him by the door.

“Good evening.” Will whispered to Adam’s apple scented curls.

“Hi.” He squeaked, a smile playing on his lips as he scanned the room over Will’s shoulder. “Where’s Lucas?”

“Oh, he should be back soon. I had him run to the store for me.”

Adam froze in Will’s grasp. He leaned back, both hands on the other man’s shoulders, eyes wild. He shook his head quickly, almost compulsively. “Oh no, no, no. Oh _no_.” Will quirked an eyebrow, confused at Adam’s sudden reaction.

“What’s wrong?” Adam was still shaking his head, looking frantic, and Will tightened his hands on his waist, trying to ground him.

“We have to go,” he breathed, squirming, trying to _get away from Will_ and for a moment it felt personal, and Will released him, a sharp sting in his chest. “We have to get him.”

“It’s just a run to the grocery store-” Adam shook his head, grabbing Will’s wrist, pulling him towards the door. Will stumbled, managed to stop his lover long enough for him to slip back into his shoes, before he was pulling completely out the door, towards the other car the three used. Adam was stuffing the keys in Will’s hand- getting him to drive had been hard enough, and there was such urgency in his movements, his eyes, Will had a feeling he needed someone who knew their way around the area in even the dead of sleep.  
“You don’t understand,” Adam whispered, crawling into the car. His leg was bouncing, his hands fisting, relaxing, fisting again. Will could hear each harsh breath, from his nose. “You don’t understand.”

“Well maybe someone should enlighten me,” Will muttered, starting the car and pulling away from the house. He was getting frustrated, his body ached, but not half as much as his head and his mind. He just wanted to curl up on the couch with the dogs, with Adam squirming around in his arms, to have Lucas’s hands rubbing along the knots in his shoulders. He had hoped, if Adam had come home not nearly as run-down as Will, that perhaps the two would shower him with affection. He craved it, loved it when they did-

But here he was driving a good ten miles over the speed limit to get to the fucking _grocery store_ with Adam about to hyperventilate next to him. And he was frustrated over being kept out of some secret, obviously, some little thing only Adam and Lucas shared. He knew there must be plenty of those things, left-overs from before Will was a part of their life, and he had come to accept that. On most days, his good days. Today, it made him feel excluded, like perhaps he was something haphazerdly nailed onto Lucas and Adam, could fall off and be forgotten at any time.

He didn’t like to feel frustrated like this, didn’t want to take it out on Adam, and pinched his lips shut to keep from saying more. He reached over, found Adam’s hand and took it, squeezing, stroking his knuckles with his thumb. He’d get the whole story, he told himself, once they had gathered up Lucas.

It couldn’t truly be anything as bad as it seemed. Adam had to be overreacting.

*

Lucas clutched the plastic handle of his basket so hard it dug into the palm of his hand, left indentations in his skin. His mind was racing in what felt like hundred of directions at once, pulling apart at the seams and splattering along the insides of his skull. _Milk...Will said milk, and bread. And we need something for dinner…_

He looked at the hanging signs above the aisles, slowly making his way from the entrance area, towards the bread. His pulse was echoing through his veins, frantic in his chest, and he tried to remember to breathe. It was okay, this was a different time, _a different country_ , he was _fine_. No one was going to harm him.

That didn’t stop Lucas’s hands from shaking. He tried to pull down one loaf of bread, and three others came tumbling out, landing on the floor. He dropped the one he held in his basket and crouched, gathering them up, looking around as if he were a startled animal, as if someone might come from nowhere and kick his ribs in for the simple mistake. He could feel the sharp _crack_ of the past connection and froze, giving a soft, broken whine. Alone in the aisle, no one heard, and he didn’t move, squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block out the memory. But it was vivid, livid and bright and _so true_ that his chest ached.

When he stood back up, his legs were shaking. He shoved the bread loaves back into place, inhaled sharply through his nostrils, then forced himself to walk. Milk, that was where he had to go next. He knew they needed that. He could worry about figuring out dinner after, just something simple. Anything. Will or Adam could come back, another day, to properly stock the house. He just had to get them through the night.

He headed towards the back of the store, scanned his eyes along the milk, realized he had no idea how much he should get, what type they might have wanted. He knew his own preference, and Adam had never seemed to care- _except skim, he hates skim milk. Don’t forget that_. Lucas bit his lower lip, grabbed a slim container, trying to settle it in the basket along with the bread. It was cold, bit into his fingers, felt like snow flakes and cool rain, a hellish mixture that made him feel alone. Reminded him of the endless days of never leaving his house, watching a world go on outside the walls, when he dared to look at all.

There had been days in a row where he hadn’t looked.

He shook his head, turned back to the rest of the store, looking at all the possibilities. He had no idea what they could eat for dinner, what they might make- suddenly his mind was blank, a muddy grey canvas that color would not adhere to. His stomach rolled at the thought of food, his glasses smashed against his face and dug into his skin, left a gash along the bridge of his nose tht had scarred. It throbbed and he reached up, touching it gently, trying to tell himself that was a different place and time.

His mind wouldn’t listen. He was back home, back in Denmark- he was alone, with no Will as a new, invigorating addition to his life. There was no Adam, the boy who knew, who held the secrets of his trauma, the hell he’d left, in his small chest. There was nothing and no one, except for a town that thought him the devil, who would have stripped him bare to find his tail, would have shaved his head to find his horns. There was nothing but memories of being forced to the ground, bloody and broken, as friends became monsters became endless demons.

There was nothing but fear.

*

Will parked the car, and Adam had the door open and was hurrying out before the engine was even off. Will scrambled to hurry after him, calling out to him as he reached out, grabbed Adam’s wrist and pulled him back. “Take it easy,” Will whispered, “We can’t go in looking like madmen.”

“But Lucas. We have to get to Lucas.”

“Darlin’, he’s a grown man. I think he can handle the damn grocery store. Do you want to enlighten me as to what the hell is going on?” Will tried to keep the edge out of his voice, tried so hard because he wasn’t mad at Adam- truly he wasn’t. But he didn’t like being left in the dark.

“Something happened, once,” Adam offered, fidgeting. “I...I can’t tell you without Lucas.” Will raised an eyebrow, then released his hold on Adam’s wrist. The boy’s eyes were genuine, large and worried and pleading, and it hurt Will’s chest. His frustration fell off and he gave a nod, accepting at least the beginnings to an answer, and following Adam as he hurried into the store.

Once inside, Adam nearly ran along the fronts of the aisles, peeking in each one and looking for a sign of Lucas. Will was a few paces behind when Adam ducked down one, heard the sounds of his shoes on the floor as he ran. When he rounded the corner, Adam was already to Lucas, he was on his knees, next to a nearly empty basket, a few boxes of pasta on the floor by him.

Adam dropped to his knees, threw his arms around Lucas, was whispering as Will closed the space. Lucas looked up at him, hidden behind his glasses as if they were a wall against the world- Will understood, he’d done it countless times before.

“I’m sorry,” Lucas whispered, and Will felt his heart sinking down to his gut, settling like lead and making him feel ill.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Will offered, crouching down, settling his hand on Lucas’s shoulder. “How about you and Adam head out to the car. I’ll finish up.”

“No, no you are too tired. I will-”

“Please,” Adam whispered, nearly whined, and Lucas knew the boy could feel him trembling. Would have known even if they weren’t touching. He sighed, gave a nod, and accepted Will’s hand to help him up, as Adam scrambled up himself. Will felt the tremble in his fingertips, saw the flick in his eyes as Lucas wouldn’t meet his gaze, and could do nothing but watch Adam cling to him, pulling him away, leaving Will confused and wondering _what the hell_ was going on around him.

*

Lucas settled in the back seat of the car, door open, feet planted firmly on the ground. Adam was crouching between his legs, rubbing his thighs, looking at him with large blue eyes- concerned eyes, loving eyes, eyes that understood too much. Lucas loved him but was terrified, in that moment, of him- because he knew him so deeply.

He would have to let Will understand as well, see what he had locked away inside his ribs if he wanted this to work. And he did, _so badly_.

“He’s going to ask,” Adam said, “He did ask. He asked what was going on, and I didn’t know what to say, because I can’t lie to Will, I won’t lie, I hate liars, and I told him that you needed to be there for me to tell him, but he’s going to ask again, and we have to tell him and-” Adam stopped, out of breath, and closed his mouth, knew he was talking too much. Lucas was hiding behind his glasses still, and Adam wanted to take them away, hide them so he had to look. He just wanted to go come and curl up and forget this had happened, for Will to understand without he and Lucas having to explain.

He knew Lucas was terrified of telling Will- but only because the man had said so, before. In moments when Will was absent and it was just the two of them, he had begged Adam to say not a word of what had happened in Denmark, what he had been accused of.

Adam thought, from experience at this point, that Lucas must believe that Will would not believe in his innocence, even if the charges had been dropped, it had all been proven to be a _misunderstanding_. He knew that back home, Lucas’s home, people still believed him to be a monster.

Lucas still said nothing, and Adam stroked his thighs again, squeezing gently. He sucked on his lip, felt the tiny trembles that still hid in Lucas’s muscles, and his stomach knotted wondering how they were going to explain this to Will.

Lucas steepled his fingers and pressed the tips of them into the skin above his lips. Adam watched as they trembled. He kept rubbing Lucas’s knees as he watched the other man trying to center himself with small shallow breaths. “I can’t tell him. Oh god, Adam, I can’t tell him.”

“Yes you can. I’ll be right there with you. He’s going to be fine. It would probably make you feel better to tell him. Don’t you think?”

“No, no, no. He’s going to leave me. And then I’ll have to leave you, and I can’t do that. I can’t leave you. I can’t tell him. I can’t - _breathe_.”

Adam shifted so he was closer to Lucas, situating himself between his legs. He reached up to wrap his hands around Lucas’s wrists, tugging them lightly from his face. “Oh, Lucas…”

In response, Lucas whined quietly, repeating “I can’t tell him.”

“Come on, Lucas. Breathe in slowly, okay? Just like you always tell me to do. Just take a breath.” Adam reached out and placed a hand over Lucas’s stomach, rubbing his thumb over his naval. “From your belly, right? Just like you said. Please, Lucas.”  
“Don’t make me tell him.” Adam watched sadly as tears began to slip from the corners of Lucas’s clenched shut eyes.

“Okay love. Okay. Not right now. Not today. Right now just please try to calm down, baby.” Suddenly, Lucas’s hands were on Adam’s shoulders, grasping and clutching, burying his fingers in the fabric. Keeping one hand on Lucas’s stomach, he leaned his head in and nuzzled against Lucas’s knee. “I’m not going to leave you, and Will isn’t either. But if he ever did, I would follow you anywhere. I can’t be without you.”

Lucas nodded, breathing in a shuddering breath and a sniff, trying to quell the tears that were building into a steady pressure behind his nose. “I was so scared, Adam.”

Adam caught one of Lucas’s hands again and pressed kisses to each of his fingertips, trailing up to his palm. Adam mouthed at the pulse point in Lucas’s wrist, feeling the vein jumping beneath his lips. “You’re safe now.” Adam whispered into the soft skin. “I’m here now, and I’m not going to let anyone hurt you ever again.”

Lucas shuddered again, leaning to rest his forehead against the top of Adam’s head. He breathed in the scent of apples that always hung in his curls and felt his chest begin to loosen. Even though Lucas wanted and strove to protect Adam, it felt right to feel protected _by_ him in this moment. Lucas allowed himself to be comforted. There was no hiding the way that his body shook and his breath came in heaves. There was no hiding the tears gathering in his eyes. And there was no need to. Not from Adam.

“Will is going to be back soon.” Adam whispered, squirming slightly under Lucas’s touches. Lucas hummed, moving his arms to close them around Adam. He didn’t think he could handle the idea of being away from Adam’s closeness even for a moment. He both mentally and physically wrapped himself around Adam, and never wanted to be torn apart from him. He would beg him to ride home in the back seat with him. There was no way he could make the drive all the way back home alone.

“Hey, Lucas?”

Lucas reluctantly looked up from his place nestled in Adam’s hair to see Will crouching behind the smaller man. Lucas instinctively tightened his hold on Adam, earning him a small squeak in response. Lucas fought the urge to cover his face with again. Instead, he looked Will in the eyes for as long as he could. He held the contact for only a few moments before settling somewhere between his nose and lips. “Yeah?”

“Are you alright?”

“Will be.”

“Okay. I would really like to give you a hug. Can I do that?”

Lucas studied Will for a moment and then nodded. Adam moved over slightly, keeping a hand rested on Lucas’s shoulder as he stood. Will moved closer and Lucas breathed him in as well. The smell of smoky maple wood filled his nose and he exhaled into the embrace. Will pressed a kiss to Lucas’s temple and Lucas murmured wordlessly, leaning even closer to Will.

“I don’t want you driving home like this. We can come back for the car tomorrow, okay?” Will said into Lucas’s ear and the older man shivered and nodded. Adam took this as his cue to climb into the backseat with Lucas. He moved over to allow Adam room as Will opened the trunk to put the sparse groceries he had bought inside. Adam wrapped himself around Lucas, nearly sitting in his lap and settling in as Will got into the front seat. Lucas took a breath, trying to center himself as Will started the engine. He clung to Adam in his lap, tightening his hands around the young man’s back. Adam hid his face in the crook of Lucas’s neck, peppering feather light kisses and muttering tiny reassurances, mostly in English, but a few in Danish. Lucas’s heart swelled and he held even tighter.

He didn’t deserve any of this. He knew he didn’t, but Adam could never see that part of him, no matter how much Lucas tried to point it out. He could only hope that Will would feel the same way. He could never ask Adam to leave Will, but he could not imagine continuing living his life without either of them.

Fingers digging into the fabric of his shirt brought him out of his thoughts. “Stay here, Lucas. Stay with me.”

“Where else would I go?” Lucas mumbled into Adam’s sweet smelling hair.

“Lucas, if you want me to stop driving or do anything just let me know okay?” Will said quietly from the front seat, taking his eyes away from the road to try to make eye contact with Lucas through the rear view mirror. Lucas nodded, mumbling a thank you. He was silent for a few moments more, watching the grass and trees pass by his windows through Adam’s hair.

“Will, I’m sorry about this.”

Will looked at him in the mirror again. This time Lucas worked to keep eye contact with him over the top of Adam’s head, the young man still pressing his face into his throat.

“Lucas, you have nothing to be sorry. _I’m_ sorry. I didn’t know.”

Lucas nodded, averting his eyes finally. “I know you did not.”

“All you have to tell me that you’re uncomfortable, and I’ll drop it. And I _am_ here to talk about this, whenever and if ever you want to” Will reached back to grasp Lucas’s knee reassuringly.

“Thank you.” Lucas’s voice came out slightly choked, gratitude dripping from his words. Will squeezed one more time before pulling his hand back to the steering wheel. The three of them rode the rest of the way home in near silence, except for Adam whispering words into Lucas’s skin.

When they pulled into the driveway, Lucas felt dread begin to spread throughout his stomach once again. He knew he was going to have to talk to WIll. He knew it. It would probably happen after dinner, if Lucas could even manage to stomach dinner with how disoriented all of his insides felt.

When the engine died, none of the men reached for the doors. They sat in the car, a box that felt suffocating with their silence, until finally Will reached for the handle, opened his. “Come inside,” he offered back, his voice soft, “whenever you’re ready.” Lucas watched him go, open the door and bend to greet the dogs. Next to him, Adam watched too, before turning, reaching for Lucas’s hand and squeezing it.

“Will loves you,” he whispered, looking at the collar of Lucas’s sweater, not his eyes. “Will loves both of us. Will is going to understand.” Lucas didn’t miss that Adam kept saying Will’s name- three times in three statements. Something he did from time to time when his nerves were tight, saying a person’s name. As if he needed to dredge them up into reality.

Lucas wanted to push everything back into his dreams.

Adam let go of his hand, reached for the door and opened it, sliding out. Lucas watched him stretch, before the young man took a step away, then turned back and stared, expectantly- silently urging Lucas out from the box, one that he now had to himself, where no one else had to know of his accused shame. A deep breath, and he was sliding across the seat, out the open door, slamming it shut.

Lucas wanted to run, to hide from it, in it, to never share- but Adam knew, and Adam loved him. And he loved Will- perhaps, maybe, just maybe Will would understand. At least listen. At least love him after he understood _nothing had happened_.

_Or you could lose everything_.

Lucas ground his teeth, walking a step behind Adam towards the door. Once inside, the dogs bounded over, greeting them with paws at their feet and legs, wagging tails and searching snots. Adam crouched down to happily greet everyone, as Will stepped out from the kitchen.

“Is anyone hungry?” Lucas shook his head, and Adam assented to his lack of hunger. Will gave a knowing smile- not up to his eyes, but enough. “I figured as much. How about I make coffee?” He turned before he was given an answer, darting back into the kitchen. Lucas stepped around Adam and the dogs, settling onto the couch alone.

Adam didn’t settle on one side of him until the dogs had all dispersed, finally. He said nothing, just sat, his thigh brushing Lucas’s from time to time. A gentle touch, a small gesture. He was there, real, alive and loving and not going anywhere. Lucas told himself that much- he couldn’t, wouldn’t lose Adam. The man had listened to his story, his truth against all the lies that had circulated, and stayed by his side. He had that, at least.

But he wanted more. He wanted Will, too.

When Will emerged, he was gripping three coffee cups. He passed one to Adam that looked more the color of caramel, diluted with sugar and flavored creamer to the point of barely resembling coffee at all. The one he handed Lucas was darker, and the one he kept himself had only a hint of sugar. Lucas held the cup, relished the moment when Will’s fingers brushed his when he handed it off.

The brunet settled on Lucas’s other side, did not speak, but allowed his leg to brush the blond’s, allowed Lucas that hint of contact. He would not ask, Lucas knew. He would not say a word, and the night would proceed as if nothing had ever happened.

He wanted that, but yet he didn’t, knew he couldn’t have it. It was now, or later- and the further he pushed it away, the worse it was. The harder he thought Will would take it, as if Lucas was hiding something.

He was hiding, hiding because so few believed the truth, and the lie was enough to crush his very lungs.

“Will,” he finally whispered, as his lover sipped his coffee. He got a _hmm?_ in response, a glance over the mug. Typical, and he knew Will was trying to keep things normal. Next to him, Adam was watching, openly, his own drink untouched. “I- I don’t know exactly how to begin. But I need you to understand, this...it’s not...I’m not a bad person.” He swallowed, felt a hand on his thigh- Adam, squeezing, loving, a presence unwavering.

“You’re a remarkable person,” Will pointed out, smiling over his mug. “I will listen to the end, Lucas.” He took another sip, and Lucas took a breath, the air burning his lungs like acid, like a punch to his gut. For a moment, he could have been back on the grocery floor, kicked and bloody and beaten-

But no. This was a safe place. It would remain a safe place. It had to.

“Back in Denmark I was accused of...horrible things. A little girl, a friend’s daughter- she went to the school I worked in. She said I...I was inappropriate.” Lucas felt the words hurting his throat, his tongue. He didn’t want to say them, wanted to skirt around every detail. He knew he couldn’t, not forever. “There was a formal investigation, of course. I was told to leave the school until it was sorted out. And word got out...to everyone. The entire town, they thought I...they thought I molested Klara.”

Lucas stared into his coffee as he said the words, wanting nothing more than to drown his past and everything that happened in it in the amber colored liquid. In it, he saw the faces of everyone he used to know, everyone who he had loved and who had hurt him. He saw the reflections of himself and the men beside him and was terrified he would watch them swirl away into the nothingness now again because of it.

He heard Will take in a breath sharply and closed his eyes tightly. He felt Adam’s hand clench against his thigh and zeroed all of his attention in on the sensation. It was the only thing that tethered him to the here and now, the only thing that kept his breaths even and kept him from slipping away into his memories.

“And, after that, everyone turned on me. Everyone. Suddenly, I had no one. People would attack me at home, and I couldn’t go out. I - once, I tried to. I went to the grocery store and the men working there attacked me, completely unprovoked. They beat me up so badly - I just needed some food. I was so hungry…” Lucas felt the words running free from his mouth, he couldn’t stop them. They came forth with an urgency Lucas hadn’t felt in years, not since he told this same story to Adam. He needed Will to understand. He _needed_ him to. His breaths were coming short again, even though Adam continued to rub up and down his thigh. Lucas knew he had to force himself to keep talking. His story was almost over, almost completely told, but he had to get it all out right now if he ever was “I sent my son to the store for me after that, and once Adam came along, I sent him. It’s childish, but I am still terrified of it.”

Next to him, Adam’s weight shifted and he felt an arm being placed around his shoulder. He sniffed into the silence, waiting for Will’s reaction, knowing that he would keep true to his word and wait until he was sure Lucas was finished talking.

Lucas stared at the coffee table in front of them for a few more moments - the rings from placing cups on the wood without anything beneath them, the burn mark on the corner from Adam setting down a pot of macaroni and cheese that was not cooled down enough - before Will broke the silence.  
“Lucas...that’s…that’s _horrible_.”

In the seconds it took Will to say those words, the world crashed around Lucas. He came completely unmoored, untethered. He only heard the words, and not the inflection. Not the soft look in Will’s eyes, not the concerned tone, and not the hand that reached out for his knee. Lucas flinched in Adam’s direction, nearly burying his face in the crook of the smaller man’s neck. His breathing sped up and there was no hiding it or calming it down now, not when Will had just admitted how truly horrible he thought Lucas was. Lucas felt Adam’s trembling fingers brushing into his hair, down his back. He was speaking to him in Danish, but Lucas couldn’t register what was being said.

His body felt like it was on fire, like it was being lit from beneath and smoldered, the kindling everything he had ever loved in his life. He tried to fight against himself to keep from curling up into Adam’s lap, making himself as small as possible, as though he could disappear and hide from the judgement he perceived Will to be passing onto him. A ragged sob escaped from his lips as Adam held tighter. 

“Jeg er ked af, jeg er så ked af det.” Lucas whimpered into Adam’s chest. Adam made hesitant eye contact with Will, worry and confusion shining in his eyes. 

“Lucas, skat, der er intet at være ked af. Jeg elsker dig, og Will elsker dig.” Adam whispered, pressing a kiss to Lucas’s forehead. “Breathe, love, please.” 

Lucas trembled in Adam’s arms and Will moved to crouch on the floor in front of the two men. His heart was racing, he never liked seeing anyone else in distress. Especially not someone he loved, not when he was almost certain he was the cause of it, and not when his guard over his empathy was down. He could feel Lucas’s hurt and anxiety bubbling beneath his own skin, blistering, burning, and longed to do anything to stop it. 

He reached out and placed a hand flat against Lucas’s heaving back. “Lucas...Lucas, please. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant it’s horrible what they did to you. I still think you’re a remarkable person. Forgive me, please. You know sometimes I don’t phrase things quite right. I never meant to upset you.” Will whispered, keeping a steady stream of apologies and reassurances. 

“Jeg elsker dig, skat.” Will said quietly, one of the few phrases in Danish he knew for sure, pressing his face into Lucas’s back as well. 

“I am not horrible. I didn’t do any of those things. I - you have to _believe_ me.” 

“Oh, _Lucas_. I’m so sorry. I never meant it like that. You’re not horrible, what happened to you is. The way everyone treated you is what’s horrible. Not you. Never you.” Will pressed a kiss into the back of Lucas’s neck, hooked his hands around his shoulders, rubbed down the tops of his arms. The other man still held himself pressed into the crook of Adam’s neck. 

“Lucas.” Adam whispered into his ear, kissing it, nipping at it a bit. “Lucas, please, calm down. Everything is fine.” 

Adam guided one hand down Lucas’s back in short, sure movements that grazed his skin with his fingernails, and reached the other around to press against the small of Will’s back. He could feel all the distress literally piled on top of him, and he just wanted it all to stop. He never wanted either of his loves to be upset.

Slowly, slowly, Lucas began to stop shaking. He relaxed back into Will’s embrace, sniffling slightly. “I-I’m sorry.” 

“There’s not anything to be sorry about. _I’m_ sorry.”

“No, I over reacted.” Lucas said, speaking quietly and sliding out of Adam’s lap to allow himself to look at Will. Adam kept a hand on him during the move, finally entwining their fingers together once Lucas had settled again. “Y-you aren’t going to leave me?” Lucas’s voice sounded choked and Will’s heart clenched. 

“Of course not. I love you. I love you more than anything. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. Either of you.” Will, still sitting on the floor, reached a hand up to rest against Lucas’s knee. Lucas covered it with his own hand, a stray tear rolling down his nose. 

“I love you, too.” Lucas whispered, tugging on Will’s hand to get him off the floor. He scrambled back onto the couch and Lucas caught his mouth in a small, closed mouth kiss. Will hummed quietly against his lips and guided Lucas into a laying position with his head in Will’s lap. Adam soon followed suit, wriggling and quickly fitting into the space between Lucas’s body and the back of the couch. He rested his head on Lucas’s stomach and stared up at him for a moment. 

“Are you alright now, Lucas?” 

Lucas took a deep breath, the air around him smelling of both apples and freshly cut wood - the scents of the two men surrounding him. He snuggled into Will’s warmth and placed his arm on Adam’s shoulder. Will carded his hands through Lucas’s hair, fingers lightly brushing the curve of his scalp, as Adam clung and cuddled his arm, nestling even deeper against his stomach. 

His eyes blurred once more, but this time in awe. He was absolutely astonished to have these two wonderful, beautiful men who were willing to stick with him even through the darkness that resided in his past. He was so lucky, so fortunate, so blessed to have found not only one, but two people who were there to understand him and care for him when he needed it. He could turn to either of them at any time and find nothing but unconditional love, and he was endlessly thankful to the both of them and to some sort of higher power for allowing him to find this type of happiness - happiness that Lucas never would have thought he deserved. But Adam and Will could teach him a thing or two about what he deserved. 

“I’ve never been better.”


End file.
